Last night I dreamed of war. I've had dreams before. When we were training for and filming Band of Brothers, they happened almost constantly. This, though, was different. I woke up still feeling where my rifle was digging into my shoulder. My finger ached from constantly being on the trigger. I've had nightmares before, but none so real nor graphic. I shot one of my men in the head to end his suffering...We were in the middle of no where, there was no hope for help and he was still concious as his stomach and intestines spilled out into the sand. I still have his face inprinted on my brain, his eyes both begging me to do it and looking at me in horror as I leveled my pistol. Maybe it's from watching all these screenings of IB, but I doubt it. There was always something not quite real, almost comical about IB. This? This was searching through the boy's stuff after I shot him, handing out rations and extra ammo, storing the letters and pictures in my own bag and then leaving everything else behind with the body.

I called my mother when I woke up, asked about the Israeli passport she has stuffed in a drawer for me. In the dream, I had ripped off a piece of cloth, tied it around my arm. On the cloth, there had been printed "For Israel" in Hebrew, along with the star. This morning, I started the paperwork to join the IDF.

What in God's name am I doing?